How am I supposed to be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before? 

It took months of fear and anxiety. It took a close encounter with a semi and my mother's support. It took more than it should have for me to realize I don't need to feel bad all the time.

The one thing I know right now is that when I immerse myself in this culture I've fought against for so long I feel good. As someone who's become accustomed to that a crippling sensation of doubt and fear in the pit of my stomach, I will do whatever I can to hang on to any small amount of goodness. It's hard to describe but it's like feeling whole - a swelling of happiness in my chest that makes sense.

Can you stand the person you've become?

Oh, there's a light. There's a warm feeling that dulls the pain in my stomach and makes me feel a little better. Living can be more than what it has been. Living can be more than getting by. Living can be filled with smiles and hot chocolate and family - and who am I to doubt the value in that? Somehow I've spent months fighting myself and I'm not the only one who has suffered. I've hurt people that only wanted to keep my head afloat when I was out of my depths. (I'm sorry, Patrick) I'll make it up to those people one day, but I can't do that till I get myself on track and that's all I working on now.